Friday, 16 January 2009

Enter headless chicken disguised as a housewife

Come in! Sit down! Oh Gads! No not there, you fool, I’ve just cleaned that, on second thoughts, seeing the state of your trousers, (how on earth did you get that all over them, it looks disgusting? No don’t tell me I haven’t time and frankly I am beyond caring about what you do to yourself). Perhaps you had better stand, No you can’t smoke and if you want a coffee you will have to go and make it and drink it in the kitchen. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EAT THE BISCUITS they are reserved for VIPS! If you want to talk to me then you will have to shout over the hovering.
We have a visitation tomorrow. No dear not from the Pope, although I suspect he would be less trouble. Eldest has been awarded a prestigious scholarship to study for a year in a far flung realm and we had a call from the Gods last night to say one of them is descending from on high tomorrow morning to warmly shake our hands and help with the once verdant rainforest which has now been transformed into the necessary accompanying paperwork with which the entire scholarship is carefully encased, in triplicate and two languages.

I am trying to gauge how old this visiting deity will be, if he is over 60 then the chances are he has prostrate trouble and thus may wish to avail himself of our amenities, in which case do I have time to whitewash the downstairs loo? Yes of course it’s a serious question. You know full well the previous owner, no doubt under the influence of intoxicating liquor or some illegal substances, covered the walls with Neolithic style cave paintings of an emaciated but unmistakably male hunter in pursuit of something which , judging by the direction his spear is pointing, has hidden itself behind the loo. For reasons known only to himself he used ,what I take to be ,his left over glazes some of which have very earthy tones ,giving the entire work the air of an IRA dirty protest, terribly retro and not more than a little unsettling. As if that isn’t enough he covered the ceiling and door in mirrored glass. It can be quite startling if you don’t expect it. Oh God, I do hope he hasn’t got a weak heart.

My plan is to clean the Salle vigorously, bearing in mind we are still experiencing freak dust storms after Claude’s stair installation, fill vast vases with heavily scented Lillies, to disguise any unpleasant aromas , left over from when the cats got frightened and peed on the curtains , and attempt to keep him confined therein for the duration of his visit. Of course this means someone standing guard at the French windows so that we can head him in the right direction and catch the dogs before they leap all over him. I don’t imagine Gods are used to having their best suits daubed with mud prints from over excited Labradors. Please don’t let it rain or he will have to wade through the small and charming riverette which flows merrily down the drive on such occasions bearing with it a great deal of the neighbours fumier(Cow pooh to you).

I had better dig out the porcelain demi-tasse, where the hell is they? We don’t usually use them. What do you mean why not! Most of our visitors are farmers they drink their café in sturdy mugs their iron grip being likely to crush anything finer. What about napkins? Do you think I need napkins and small tea plates or not? Well yes of course I know the protocol in England but its France for goodness sake! I’ll dig out the apostle spoons anyway. I think the Georgian coffee pot may be going a bit far even for a God don’t you?

I know why he is really coming though. He has met the father, met the award winning offspring and now wants to meet mother of aforesaid ie ME. Do you think there is anyway I can lose 10 stone grow a foot and perfect my conjugations over night? Nope didn’t think so. Ah well. Back to plan A then.. where’s the white wash ? Grab that brush and you can start on the loo..


WesterWitch/Headmistress said...

Nah to hell with that I've brought a bottle of red - where are your non posh glasses.

ChrisH said...

Good thinking, WW, and good luck for tomorrow! Well done, talented offspring... no wonder given those genes.

Elizabethd said...

Look, he's French and probably lives in a charming litle hovel somewhere, with loo only because the commune paid for it.
Stop worrying it, turn on the charm and you will have him munching out of your hand. Go with the best biscuits though, they do have such sweet teeth.

Pipany said...

Grief woman, how many feet do you need?!!! This all sounds most stressful, but I like the sound of the lilies. If in doubt, I place many bowls of sweetly scented flowers over the entire house! Good luck xx

Calico Kate said...

Hope all went well.
This is the first time I have visite your blog but did so enjoy it. Will be back anon.

lampworkbeader said...

My goodness woman, get a grip. Of course you will need the small tea plates and the silver sugar tongs. Have you really let standards fall so low as to even consider not using them? Congratulations and good luck.
p.s good manners will overcome any shortcoming you may have in the lavatory dept.

snailbeachshepherdess said...

Just loved reading your angst - brilliant - hope it all went well

Pondside said...

Turn down the lights, draw the curtains - atmosphere is all. Don't worry dear. Just smile and he'll be captivated to see the woman responsible for raising the child. You can maintain the smile and the atmosphere long enough to impress him properly, I'm sure.

Fennie said...

Is the man a god? Or merely a bishop. He may well be coming to collect a little donation for the church, but in any case, surely, the man is likely to prefer wine - never since the wedding in Cana has any wine been unimportant - you can tell him. As to the loo, I cannot advise? Have you no posters that can cover anything that needs covering? Still well done, Eldest. Travel broadens the mind even if attempted study in foreign parts often manages to close it again.

(My blog seems to have intruded into yours - I don't know why, I didn't ask it to. Nobody else's seems to. I'll have a think about what it means! I'll untick the right box if I can find it.)

jackofall said...

Glad you mentioned the sugar tongs, LWB, got those out. Mind you, he didn't take sugar. He was impressed with the coffee, said it was much better than other English-made coffee he'd been subjected to in the past.

CAMILLA said...

Where did you get that Pinky Pinny Un Peu, seriously gorgeous.!

Well done to offspring, hope all went well, can see where your son gets his magnifique brilliance and wisdom from.


Cait O'Connor said...

Hope all went well.
I echo Camilla's comments.