Since Eldest trotted off to Turkey last August I fear I may have fallen into a bit of a pit of self neglect and indulgence. It was always she, in her self appointed role as my personal trainer. who noticed and commented on how I looked and we all know how far a little bit of friendly encouragement can go especialy when one lives in a houseful of males . Case in point being that two weeks ago I dyed my hair chestnut and the only other adult in residence hasnt yet noticed. Ah well. Hear me and take heed next time I may dye it pink, anything to get a bit of attention around here !
Today I staggered reluctantly Wii-wards propelled thence by a morning ill spent reading travel sites about Turkey online and terrified at the images looming in my minds eye, of myself, hot sweaty and horribly wobbly, slogging around Istanbul in the torrid heat or besporting my girth on Turkeys sweltering beaches in a swimsuit originally designed for the Michelin man.
There comes a time when one must face reality full on and for me the time is now. Like it or not I have to admit that I have put on weight over the last 6 months and, which ever way I look at it ( even in the semi-dark with my eyes squinted shut) I do not like it. Not to mention the fact that my favourite trousers no longer fit which means that, thanks to my patheticaly limited wardrobe it is a choice of either shedding pounds or only accepting social engagements that allow me to wear grubby jeans .
I return then like a repentant sinner to the daily slog of 30 minutes each morning of wii-ness accompanied by the vile cyber essex girl aerobics instructor who struts her stuff without breaking into a smile or a sweat, whilst I strain every inch of my being trying to keep up without falling off theWii board. She has incidently, I note, had a make over for the Wii plus. She sports a new hair style and now wears her straggly locks no longer in a pony tail (that always looked to me as if it were kept in place by a rubber band probably retrieved hastily from the changing room floor) but in a bun with, what I suppose is meant to be a fetching little tuft coming out of the top but to me looks like a dog turd with a feather stuck in it.
Eldest and I never really took to her and suspected she had a thing going with her Essex man co-worker, he who would suddenly pop up as a replacement trainer on early morning sessions, presumably because she had a cyber hang over and had slept in or had to pop out the back for a fag to recharge her battery pack and thus leave him in charge of her workouts. So when I first encountered her new image on Wii Plus today I could not help noticing that she seemed to have got much meatier, big child bearing hips and chunky thighs, I thought she had given up smoking or developed a cyber cream cake fetish. Then I realised that its just we have purchased a new wide screen flat TV since last we met and she hasnt put on weight at all,her body has just been stretched over a larger surface area. We do then have something in common after al, as I am undoubtedly taking up more than my share of surface area here.
Never let it be said however that Nintendo do not have a sense of humour. Despite my long neglect, Wii was most welcoming.
" Do I know you ?" She simpered" ...You look familiar and I never forget a face" she said in that smooth cyber talk " Well W****y hello there, I didn't recognise you". She trilled a flirt in her voice liketeh true slapper she looks. Then delighted in telling me I had not been to visit her for 136 days and that I had mananged to put on a frightening and utterly unrepeatable amount of kilos since I last pounded her board. Great not only have I turned into a lard bucket I now apparently look like my husband. Actually with hindsite the latter wouldnt be so bad as at least he is as reed thin as the day I married him despite doing little or no excercise for the past 25 years, eating anything he likes and making noble attemps to drink the European wine lake dry. There he sits smoking away chomping on hunks of chedda, sauccison and bowls of pistachios , living proof that there is, should I ever need to be reminded yet again of the fact, that there is no justice in this world.
Anyway back to the wicked Wii woman, after I had yelled for support from Middle who knows the workings of her mind and which buttons to press, she relented and told me she was in fact joking. Apparently sadly though only about the name and not the weight gain as she then went into some great detail about just how much I had put on in how much time and how I had regretably failed to attain my set targets and did I really appreciate the seriousness of my foolhardy actions and had I been snacking? No you vile creature I have not been snacking. I have been attempting to fill the void in my life(created by the early departure of my first born to a life full of excitement in far away places )with chocolate, wine and a dazzling repetoire of home made meals created from recipes from around the world. That, oh hateful creature, that is not snacking it is alternative medicine as any real woman would know. Wii surely knows how to make a woman feel wanted.
I guess she must have been programmed by a man.
6 comments:
Howling with laughter here, alone in the kitchen! This is wonderful writing, should be sent to any one of the computer magazines that take up space better used for home decorating magazines, but they are certainly popular.
Don't hurt yourself on that wii board!
Is that why you cant find time to meet for a coffee????
Throw her out, get on yer bike and pedal!
You too, eh? Glad I'm not the only one who can't get into the outfit she bought last year. Giving up chocolate for lent is probably not going to make inroads into the lard (now there's an idea for the Great Dane, Pondside). My other half stuffs himself and gets thinner all the time.
Where's that dog, I need him to walk me.
Great, wonderful! Lovely tale. What more can I say? Except to relate that there must be something about Turkey in the ether in that I am researching (with the rather scary idea of writing about Napoleon and the Turks - siege of Acre and all that) even as we speak. Like you I expand - widthwise at least - and the best philosophy I have heard - (although sadly I am not liberated enough to adhere to it) is advice from a 20 year old and larger than normal friend of Elder Daughter who used to say - 'my body can do what it likes. It doesn't concern me. We just share the same compartement, as it were. I have a life to lead and to enjoy even if my body doesn't!'
Brilliant - laughing so hard by the end of it I won't need to do my regulation 50 sit ups!
Oh, oh, oh, how many truths you tell, so wonderfully funny my sides ache with laughing.
Post a Comment